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Through the Looking Glass

By R. l. Egol

Pregnancy! Childbirth! Changes! It isnít easy being a parent at any age. Bringing a new life into the world is an awesome responsibility. Being a forty something mother in some ways may be tougher. In my case, I had many more years to bring my dirty baggage into my new relationship with my son than my younger counterparts have with their children.

The truth is being an older mom didnít make me wiser or more confident.
I was in a state of panic at the birth of my son. Make no mistake my sonís entry into the world was a moving, beautiful and joyful event. My son was a tiny bundle of energy with an enchanting smile.

Let me tell you a little about him. Mark was born two months early and got off to a shaky start. I like my life to be in nice easy compartments and I am always on time. His early arrival showed me how I wasnít ready to be a mother. It triggered many of my fearful thought patterns. When most people are goggling at babies, it was as though someone sent me a special looking glass and the time was ripe for me to face myself. His presence was permanent, it meant taking off the blinders and the residue of mental poisons and holding my eyes open, no forcing them open until I would look and feel and face the fact that I had created a new life. Here I was responsible for conditioning this open, innocent mind with a positive self-image when mine was falling apart.

No one really knew how I felt.

I looked at motherhood as the greatest role in my life. I didnít want to screw it up. I thought that being a mom would define me. I would suddenly change into a confident, capable person. But that did not happen. Giving birth brought out my own vulnerabilities, such as the many people I have lost in my life through death. My husband knows me very well and sensed my panic but his understanding did not neutralize it. Others believed that it was just first time mom jitters.

My sonís birth was a declaration that my outer life had changed. But I knew that the "inner me" had not grown into a receptive host for the changes. I was in a state of worry and stress was eating away at me much like termites eat away at the foundation of a house.

Mark was labeled a preemie and this label stuck with him until age two. Then the label morphed into "developmentally delayed" based on the pediatricianís observation of speech and motor development. This triggered visits by a social worker for a year. Then he was sent off to a mixed special education preschool class.

My adorable child was very selective with whom he spoke to.
He was a man of few words at school but a chatterbox at home. What became worrisome was that he eventually became totally silent at school and stopped speaking to family, my friends who are like family and didnít speak in public.

As this was going on I was bombarded with many well meaning family and friends who had so much unsolicited child rearing advice to give me. As I listened, I was driven by guilt and angry for allowing everyone to advise me on everything that was wrong with me and my child. I felt like I was stuck in a concrete slab of self-doubt. And yet I was afraid to go against the advice of my friends and family even though I resented it. I started losing weight, something my thin frame could not afford.

I was at war with myself. My routine was interrupted by this new visitation. Routines are about control. I ruled my environment and some of the people in it by trying to control them. And yet, I could not control my emotional reactions. I thought controlling others made me feel safe. Now I know there is no safety until you feel safe from within yourself.

I had many thoughts that some would define as selfish, fearful, normal, and depressing surface such as: My time wouldnít be my own. What was I giving up to be a mom at this stage of my life? I was so immersed in the fear and guilt about being older. Did I have the right to bring a new life into the world? Suppose something happened to me. My house was crumbling.

I hit my rock bottom, like the alcohol and drug addicted clients I counseled for seven years.
Shocked and yet not surprised I was attracted to this kind of work. I was hooked on pain, guilt, lack of confidence, worry, anxiety, panic and loss.

I needed help.

I didnít realize how much my stress was affecting every aspect of my life until I met a salesperson of all people. That is right, I met the eastern sales rep for Present Memory who has since become a dear friend. I immediately noticed that our conversations were different from all others. One day she said, "do you like what you are creating and attracting for yourself?Ē Her questions made me realize that there had to be a solution to my lifeís challenges, but I just wasnít finding them. She introduced me to the world of Present Memory but I didnít follow up. But life has a way of messaging you about good things if you will only pay attention. Soon after my meeting with the sales rep, I ran into a good friend who had heard Melissa speak and was bowled over by her presentation. She gave me a tape of the Present Memory lecture. I was impressed but I still didnít follow up.

Looking back, I see that I was locked up in my resistance and chained to the same old broken record. My needle was stuck in the same groove. Therapy? Yes, I had been to therapy, but nothing had changed.

Why is it we say we want life to change and cry out for help and then resist all the avenues of help when it finally arrives?

One day I was in a "state" that actually summoned an intervention from my new sales rep. friend. She spoke of the Power behind Spiritual Laws. I had never heard of them and I was intrigued, especially with the Law of Identical Harvest (like attracts like). Then she reminded me of what Melissa had taught her, that I had access to creative power at all moments. She discussed ideas with me that made me aware that we all can change our inner blueprints if we have a strong enough desire. Up until that moment I did not know what an inner blueprint was no less know how to change myself.

Suddenly things began to make so much sense to me. The process for healing my self had really begun. I knew I hurt, and was masking anger, resentfulness, guilt, sadness and yet I felt very, very grateful. My friendís intervention resulted in my wanting to work the Present Memoryís The Power of Imagination and the Art of Intentional Creation program.

I jumped in with my usual enthusiasm.
I listened to the ideas and came up with my images. I discovered only recently that my biggest image revolved around money, and not healing my relationship with myself and the one I had with my child. I thought money was the answer so I focused on attracting money and things. And I got results. The program worked. Doors opened and the things I thought would make me happy came pouring in. But as time wore on I stopped doing the program and my "unhappiness moods" started to grow again. I continued to blame others. Two months later I decided to have a consultation with Melissa Zollo, the author of the program.

For those of you who have not talked to Melissa, she is an imagist, someone who deals with mental pictures, Imagination, and Spiritual Laws. She is an expert on the Art of Manifestation, and an artist, a designer of success dreams. She is very direct, honest and certainly does not pull any punches. Her complete focus is on you, your dreams, desires, and what you want to manifest not your problems.

For the first time in my life I felt like someone said "take a ride with me. Get on this elevator and letís uplift to a higher floor and take a look at your beliefs, habits, feelings and actions.Ē

In one consult, I peered through a cleansed inner lens and realized that I had buried and repressed many painful memories deep into the dark caverns of my mind. But these fueled memories were still operating inside of me since I had never recycled the feelings on any of them, nor had I moved beyond the impact from any of them.

I told her Mark was suffering from nightmares. Instead of focusing on my baby, and with no real information from me, she zeroed in on the idea of relationship. I began to see my relationship to myself as well as with my husband. I realized this work is all about love and relationship with ones deeper self. How we feel about ourselves shows up in everyone we attract in our lives.

I saw how I withheld love and support from a very wonderful man.
I went on to see that I am a choice maker but I chose to focus on the very things I was angry about or dissatisfied with. I was in a nightmare and lacked vibrational harmony and my home life was suffering.

Then I began to deep listen and I heard myself talk of my husbandís wonderful qualities, generous ways and my decision to marry this wonderful man. It did not make sense that I blamed him for my unhappiness and financial problems. I saw what I was doing and I wanted it to stop. I realized that if I wanted my marriage to continue I had to change and come up new blueprints.

Talking with Melissa, I realized that my previous big money images that I focused on when I got the program were about making me feel important, not about solving my relationship problems, starting with the one I had with myself. The interesting thing about her is that she doesnít judge your choices she just switches on the light so you can look inside and deep listen to yourself. It became clear to me that my health and relationship with my child and husband would not improve or change until I opened my heart and cleaned out an inner mental pus pool and a poor self-image that was kept alive by my well fed selfish emotions.

I was stunned after the session but there was a sense of peace.

I imaged morning, noon and night. That is all I did. And again results followed. I got tickets to a cherished concert. When my husband had outpatient surgery, I imaged for a painless and quick recovery. Then my husband lost his job. Again I mounted an image and again my dream manifested. My husband ended up with a job that brings him joy.

But with all of the many gifts I was attracting, I turned back to a feeling of being rooted in unhappiness. And I stopped doing the CDís again. Why is it that as soon as things start to go well, we fool ourselves into thinking that we donít have to do anymore inner rebuilding? Or is it sabotage? I do not know but suddenly I was back facing my non-improved relationship with my son and my unhappiness. I realize now I focused on the effects and not the cause of my situation--me.

Now I know that transforming or changing my old behavior habits is an ongoing investment of my time and the only motivation for doing it is selfĖlove and the love of my child and husband but back then I just put the Present Memory tools away.

I went back to an old belief.
I thought there was something wrong with my child. For six months I did the rounds of more and more doctors who continued to try and figure out what was wrong with my son. But no one found anything that helped me. I wonder how many parents focus on their childís faults, differences and limitations rather then loving who they are. How many would have their children today if they knew the challenges involved in child rearing? Dr. Phil was on Larry King a few nights ago and he said more then 75% of parents loved their children but if given the choice now they would not have them because they did not feel up to the task of raising them.

As time passed, something deep down within me urged me to book another consultation with Melissa.
This time I listened and picked up the phone. If I thought I had been shaken awake the first time I spoke with her, my second consult was the ultimate eye popper. This time she had me take a deep strong look inside my "memory box" at my habits, feelings, and beliefs about being a mother and what it has been like to be my sonís mother.

With my truth glasses on, I saw how my beliefs about health/illness, my loss issues, my guilt, fear and anger boxed my son into a corner and he was being conditioned by my ideas and feelings.

I knew my heart was still closed. Melissa quickly recognized that I had not done any inner work on myself since our last consult. She was not surprised that nothing had really changed with my husband or child.

What was I doing? Asking for help and refusing to open and experience love made no sense but it was the truth. Until you are face to face with your resistance to change you donít know how you oppose yourself.

Melissa asked, ďWhat do you wantĒ? I was on the brink of losing my relationship with my son and this was devastating, but was it enough to inspire me to break my habits and make the change.

Melissa made it clear that I was the one and only pattern maker of my life and I had decisions to make. My anger was out of control. Melissa was concerned about it and suggested I seek therapy if I felt that I could not change the direction of my moods. She does not do therapy at all but recommends you accept help from whatever direction you feel most comfortable with.

What did I want? It is so easy to say we want to attract things, but I wanted something more. I wanted to heal my memories and change how I felt. T o get what I wanted I would have to stop resisting and opposing myself.

After the session I felt angry, vulnerable and undressed but I really saw the value of the Present Memory work. Even in the state I was in, I saw I still had a choice! I made a decision to change my emotional habits.

I was determined to begin this journey of healing. After two sessions with Melissa and more understanding of the Spiritual Law of Vibration, I knew that it was imperative to change my vibrational level. As Melissa said, "change your awareness and emotional dwelling place and you will change your destiny. You canít solve any problem with the same thought patterns that created it.Ē

Now for the fist time in my life I am doing "inner work on me." I participate with the PM program every day. It is not always easy but I have begun. I am creating new blueprints for a loving, healthy relationship with my husband and son based on love. As I make these wonderful corrections to old images, pain surfaces and but I deal with my feelings instead of blaming or dumping them onto someone else. I am learning how to walk a bridge of incident to a new outcome based on joy not selfishness. It is a moment to moment process.

But here is the most profound part of my journey and the reason for sharing this story with other parents or soon to be parents.

Two days after the consult Mark and I were listening to his music. I was singing the childrenís songs and he came up to me and just cuddled in my lap. He started singing silly words and laughing. I just looked at him and thought," look what I have been missing". Tears just came to my eyes. The impossible was being made possible in my life!

He has started to open up a little more when he is out in public. He is still selective as to the moments he reveals himself but I can see he is gaining confidence.

The most miraculous point of this story is that Mark, now five, comes to listen to the Present Memory Victory Focus program with me. He snuggles up with me. I have actually witnessed him perk up when Melissa speaks.

The Present Memory program has become the bridge I cross everyday to get me back into life. Doing this program is about special time together with my son and allows for us to become closer and for me to show him love and affection.

It is amazing, but when our cat got sick I decided to use the program for healing the cat. My son was with me. He started telling the cat that he is perfect and healthy and to relax. Imagine that my son was inspired by healing and joy for another of Godís creatures! Then I noticed how he started repeating Melissa and words of comfort now flow from his mouth. If I start the CD and he isnít in the room, he will stop what he is doing and come in and sit with me.

How is it that a five year old child understands that his mother has to do this work? I donít know, but he knows. It is not always easy for me to change my images and my behavior but the rewards of waking up with joy in my life inspire me to continue each day. Things are slowly changing. I am totally supportive of my husbandís new job. It is in sales and though the money is slow to come in, I know it is coming. We are talking more and feel so much more like real partners. I can even remember how I felt when I married him.

I now realize that it is I must develop patience and understanding as well as confidence within myself and share it with all people. With the Present Memory tools with me I feel I can do it. With a program that teaches love as the one and only substance I proceed daily. Sunrise really does set up my day. Aloha calms me down. Victory Focus makes sure I am staying in tune with my new beliefs and Sweet Dreams has provided me with the best sleep I have had in a while.

I know that as I heal myself Mark will blossom and my relationship with my husband will continue to improve
and all the labels will disappear. Where I once shouted angry words, now I am saying I love you. I know I have a lot of work to do but I have begun. And it is my choice to do it.

When things get tough the easy choice is to back away, deny, repress and resist. Not this time. I love feeling my joy and allowing it to surge through me. And when my doubts surface and that old devil comes to seduce me to go back to my old blueprints and habits, I say, "go away." I breathe, relax, focus on love and joy and I smile.

Thank you Melissa.

R. L. Egol is a former psychotherapist.

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